A, B, and C Rent

A, B and C Rent.....sigh

I'm going to break this blog down into 3 parts that's why it's called A, B and C Rent....B will be the most difficult to write but I need to get some feelings out. Most of my writings are reflections of my work life. This one is not. This is a look back on my dating life. But mainly its for me to express some feelings that people don't understand when I express them. Sometimes you just gotta get shit out...:) So here we go...and thanks again for reading this.

A....Rent 

Rent...the return derived from cultivated or improved land or property. (property in this blog is my heart)

I have been single for a while now. I learned to be happy with it because I know God has a plan. I'm not saying I go through life smiling and happy all the time. I have my moments when I wish I had a boo (usually when I am drinking) but for the most part I am ok. I am a big flirt. I am also the typical girl who loves attention from the opposite sex (should I say typical straight girl) but I don't fawn over every man who says hi to me. I don't fawn over any man who says hi to me. That may be my issue right now. I don't like anyone. I think people are cute and would like to date but there is no one in particular I want to date. I am good being me and focusing on my future. So in conclusion for A....I'm at a happy place when it comes to my relationship status.

B......Rent

This is a reflection of the past. I know A should have been the past instead of the present since C will be the future. But this is my blog and I will write it how I want to :) So here goes B......rent. 

To Rent is to occupy or make use of someone's land or property for a fee. Your heart is your property....so if you let someone occupy it they are renting your heart. Yes, for a fee which should be paid in love but that's not always the case. My heart was occupied at by someone who I moved in. They on the other hand didn't care too much for the arrangement. 

I am usually not one to fall easily especially for anyone in a job or position when they are in the spotlight. But something was different about this guy. He was from Philly and I am a sucker for a home town boy. He was super humble and worked hard for everything he had which wasn't much but he was on his way. We talked for hours and was really getting to know each other. Had a couple of great dates...but things didn't work out. And now he's a super star and married. I know this because the world of social media makes it damn near impossible to escape your past. 

Next sad thing is...I know his wife. Not personally we have friends in common (who come to think of it might read this can put 2 and 2 together so even tho I used no names it could get back to her) My world so who cares. So other than seeing him become super successful, I am also a witness to his beautiful marriage and gorgeous family.

Honestly, I had those why not me moments. I compared myself to her and of course I like me more. But I never really found fault in her. It wasn't my decision to make. It was his and he choose her. And if he didn't would I actually want him or is my asking what ifs just reflections that I am alone and he is happily married now. 

So that brings us to C...rent

Definition is pretty much the same as A.

I'm in a good place. Flipping my property so to say. Making upgrades. And part of my upgrades is to let go of jealousy. It's a perfectly normal feeling to have but I have no reason to be jealous. This is the part people don't understand when I tell them. Most of my friends say they would hate on the afore mentioned relationship. Talk bad about the new wife. Say things like I'm cuter than her, what she got that I don't, she ain't ish. and all that other bs. ME....I say I am happy for them. And I honestly am. I think it's amazing that 2 people found each other and found love in this mess we call Atlanta. They seem genuinely happy from what I hear. He found someone that was everything he needed. So in that aspect I am jealous. Not jealous of her for marrying him. But jealous they found something in each other that I have yet to find in anyone. 

Not someone you want to rent your property but own....

Cheesy I know but it all makes sense to me. 

Peace, Love and Blessings to all 

Alexyz

Waiting...Not Looking For Love

I would like to start this blog by saying I LOVE MEN! I absolutely, positively, with ever inch of my being adore men. But I also find them all to be douche bags! Gay men, straight men, bi curious (greedy) men are all douchebags. Which doesn't make me not love them...if fact it makes me love some of them more.

I have the coolest job ever. I work in tv and movies. So all day I get to stare at beautiful people. I work on The Vampire Diaries...and OMG that has to be the most beautiful set ever. The crew is even beautiful and all are douche bags. (lol) J/K. I love working on that show it has to be my fav place ever. But when you leave the wonderful beautiful world of Mystic Falls and enter the real world..it kinda sucks.

I happened to be blessed with some very beautiful and talented friends, so my world is not at all ugly. But as previous blogs stated the entire world is gay! But recently I met, well, got reacquainted with a straight man! Made me miss them. He was a very beautiful not at all in my league straight man. And he danced with me. He hugged me. And gave me a kiss goodnight! Okay, so it was just a kiss on the cheek and it was a large group of us together but just that little bit of attention from a GEORGEOUS HETRO male was enough to put me on cloud 9. I'll be high from this for a while. It's the first straight guy attention I got in a while. (that wasn't disrespectful) So I will enjoy it!

Speaking of attention. Why does the guy you never ever ever ever like want to make you their wife? This hasn't happen to me in years but it seems to be the case a lot. The one guy who you would never date in a million years is the nicest guy in the world and would run your bath water while making you the best dinner of your life. In movies this guy you end up with in the end. But real life is NOT the movies. Not at all. Theres no cut and re-shoots. No second team to block all the steps out for you so you can just step in and make it look good. Life is one continuous shot. (steadicam) This guy may want you to play the leading lady in his epic...but he just maybe a bit player in your drama. (enough movie puns).

How do you let the guy down? Do you let him down if he's a friend or test fate to see if he could be the one? This is one of lifes most complicated situations. When friends fall in love with you what do you do?

I always find it weird when friends fall in love with me. I think its my self esteem issues sneaking up on me. I have only had it happen twice in my life so I am no expert on it. The 2 guys who did fall in love with me were like my best friends. The thing that freaked me out about them loving me was that they knew me. Knew the real me and they loved me. I couldn't accept that. I think I have just to the point in life where I can accept that someone could love me. I think because I just began to actually love me. (wow got deep there)

So to move on from that deep self reflecting moment. I am waiting for love but not at all looking for it. Meaning I am not searching for it. I have a great group of friends. A fun job where I look at beautiful people all day. Once in a while a straight man hits on me or shows me attention. And I know that one day I will have love.

Also I wouldn't mind falling in love in Mystic Falls if cupid is out there reading this.

The Entire World is GAY!!!

Hello to all 5 of my readers and my facebook creepers! Been working a lot lately so I haven't written in a min here.
So here we go...
First CONGRATS to all my gaybes (gay babies) and lesbots (don't ask) for Prop 8 being over turned. Now you can get married in Cali! Invite me to the weddings!

Next: I saw The Kids Are Alright this week. The story of 2 children raised by their lesbian parents. The children seek out the sperm donor and they all build a very unrealistic relationship with him. I say unrealistic because I am the child of a lesbian and the whole betrayal would not happen. Hollywood..ugh

And last: The entire world is gay! Well, maybe not the entire world but my world certainly is. I do work in the entertainment industry so it is understandable that 78% of the men I work with are gay. But as of lately 97% of the men love men. I am by no means complaining...per say. I heart all my gaybes.  I just want to meet a damn straight man.

Many of my female friends actually date men who look and or act gay. One friend actually prefers bi sexual men. I could never ever ever ever date a man who likes men. I think it's the whole down low brother thing in the black community and the fact the the highest number in new HIV/AIDS cases are among african american women...mainly because their men are off having unprotected sex with other men. I like my men to be men and my gays to be gay. No mixing. (Plus I think bisexuality is just being greedy, unless your Anna Paquin or Scarlett Johansson then its hott)

So here's the thing...I spend my days and sometimes nights on set with my gaybes...then when we wrap I spend more time with them or other gays and I have a blast. I can be my silly self with them. And as much as I say I want to hang around straight men....I never do. I am a huge contradiction. I am kinda over straight men. They are such cocky douchebags. But then again I miss them. I miss actually flirting with someone who wants to do me...flirting with gays is fun but at the end of the night I am home alone with no one to make out with.
So maybe I am becoming like my other female friends, maybe I need to find me a metro sexual man who is just as fun as my gaybes but wants to bang me.

That would never work for me though. I am such a ball buster I would end up making the guy cry. (plus I am not a big fan of men in scarves and we all know metros love the scarf) I make my sensitive female friends say I'm mean. (which I am not I just try to make people stronger the world is a tough place) The man I need doesn't exist. I need a fun, gay spirited, mans man, who loves art, history, theater, and sports and can cook. Who doesn't care what I do for a living...meaning he is not at all star struck by the people I work with or that I hang out with. But he does support everything I do and pushes me to do more. And above all has a deep profound love for God and all his wonders but is not judgemental. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

Is it?

I'll just have fun and enjoy life until God sees fit to bring me the man of my dreams (Nick Jonas or Trevino) until then my entire world is GAY!!

Sexless in the suburbs

While watching Sex and The City reruns, I realized something. I don't want to be these women. I don't want to be the chicks on Girlfriends either. I don't want to be any of these tv women. I am fine being me.

Most, if not all, women watch. love, adore and worship Sex and the City. It's a great show and 2 really good movies. I love them all. I used to wonder why my friendships weren't like these women's. Where were my 3 bffs that I had brunch with every week. I am blessed to have the 1 best friend I have.

One of my fav lines from SATC is when Charlotte said "I have been dating since I was 15 I am tired where is he, my hair hurts" MY HAIR HURTS TOO!!! But I think its the braids under the pounds of tracks I have on my head. I have been dating since birth like most women my age now but honestly I can say I have had only a few real relationships and none of them very long. I have had many on and off relationships that last years because I make the silly mistake of taking dude back. So now I don't date. I am not looking. And I am actually not lonely...most of the time. I am an only child so I am used to being alone. I enjoy dinner and movies by myself, I go out alone. At times I dated just to get a meal or go see a movie I wanted to see. Not because I liked the guy.(that was years ago lol) Now I am fine being with me.

So right now I am sexless in the suburbs.

 I couldn't get a date if I tried. Not that I really have. Well, I kinda have. I am only around movie industry guys now and I usually don't fish in my own pond but that's all I am around now. So I tried dating a PA, he kept asking when I was coming to his crib just to "hang". I don't "hang" that early sir.Then  my other issue is every guy I find attractive on set has a girl. Ugh I just can't win.

Sometimes a girl just want a man to touch her, tell her she's pretty, hold her hand, MAKE OUT! That's what I miss from dating. I miss making out. Just the kissing. I am so over the grabbing and the groping....I get enough of that from my fellow "background artist". I just want to kiss someone.

I also miss talking on the phone...you remember those late night conversations about nothing at all. I miss that.
I think I miss the whole puppy love faze.

Anyone have a time machine...7th grade hear I come.