Complex about Complexion

Getting myself together for a photo shoot for new head shots...getting my resume together. And working on finding me an agent....the life of a dreamer working towards something.

I'm just kinda over this whole trying to sell myself thing. I wish for once my talent was enough. Not my looks, my ethnicity, or shape of my body. I really picked the wrong career path if I want to be judged by more.

Recently, I have had the same conversation almost every day. Why are there no black women in Hollywood? Tarji is the only one working now. Where are my brown skin, dark chocolate sisters at? I am not trying to get all Laryn Hill on you. But I have been fired (not fired but bump down to background) from 2 stand-in jobs because I was too dark. I don't want to be a stand-in for the rest of my life. I am waiting for that day when I am first team not second and I know that day is coming.

So will I then be the only brown skin girl working? A lot of times these events make me question who I am.
I am very proud of who I am. The Egyptian side of me gave me the lovely eyes I have. The Black side gave me the wonderful family I have...and the Dominican side gave me the high tolerance (wooohooo shots) lol.
In this industry is exotic sells. So I am marketed as multi-racial. I am black. I am proud. I am proud of everything that I am. But I just wanna be a black girl.

Then again...I have about a pound and a half of 18in of weave sown into my skull.(hair weave done like Europeans). I don't wear contacts...I try to keep the make-up minimal. Just try to enhance my eyes *wink* I refuse to be in the sun. I don't tan and if I do I exfoliate and use skin brighter lotion. I refuse to be darker! So, I have a complex about complexion.

We are taught light is right. Sad thing is all those segregation issues of the past are still present today. The brown paper bag test is still in effect. ( For those who don't know the brown paper bag test was an old Hollywood legend...if you were lighter than the bag you got work as an actress)

And the roles out there for black women are few and far between. And who really wants to play a crack head, a hoe, have a mommy on drugs, a daddy in jail, play the sassy black best friend without a man but knows everything about them. Or work for Tyler Perry. I have yet to work with Mr. Perry and pray the good Lord blesses me with work to continue to keep me away from that man. (But if I need the money I will be an extra in Madea's Big Family Reunion)

Speaking of extra work. I work a lot and I pray I continue to work. I place my life and my dreams in Gods hands and each day he blesses me by placing me a step closer to my dreams. That being said...I am over working for black productions. I have worked as a featured extra on 2 different black sitcoms this year and each one has had pay roll issues. I just want to get paid for my work why do I have to fight you for my money. I work on anything else I get my pay check in 2 to 3 weeks.

Is this why there are not a lot of black people on tv? We don't know how to take care of our own. This breaks my heart. We are so much better than this.

So, maybe it's not "them" holding us back...perhaps it's "us".
We have so many opportunities that so many before us didn't have. My great grandmother Euna Mae Colquitt will be 100 years old on Sept 10 she knew of slavery, of segregation, of fighting for civil rights. She watched her children pick cotton as share croppers to pay for college. Saw her youngest rise to be the vice president of Wachovia. Her history is our history. Her story is our story. We are not just the pimps, hoes, drug dealers, players, athletes, and sassy chicks they show us on tv. Lets show the world we can be more.

We don't need their permission. Let's do it for us, for future generations.
And please lets pay our extras!!

Waiting...Not Looking For Love

I would like to start this blog by saying I LOVE MEN! I absolutely, positively, with ever inch of my being adore men. But I also find them all to be douche bags! Gay men, straight men, bi curious (greedy) men are all douchebags. Which doesn't make me not love them...if fact it makes me love some of them more.

I have the coolest job ever. I work in tv and movies. So all day I get to stare at beautiful people. I work on The Vampire Diaries...and OMG that has to be the most beautiful set ever. The crew is even beautiful and all are douche bags. (lol) J/K. I love working on that show it has to be my fav place ever. But when you leave the wonderful beautiful world of Mystic Falls and enter the real world..it kinda sucks.

I happened to be blessed with some very beautiful and talented friends, so my world is not at all ugly. But as previous blogs stated the entire world is gay! But recently I met, well, got reacquainted with a straight man! Made me miss them. He was a very beautiful not at all in my league straight man. And he danced with me. He hugged me. And gave me a kiss goodnight! Okay, so it was just a kiss on the cheek and it was a large group of us together but just that little bit of attention from a GEORGEOUS HETRO male was enough to put me on cloud 9. I'll be high from this for a while. It's the first straight guy attention I got in a while. (that wasn't disrespectful) So I will enjoy it!

Speaking of attention. Why does the guy you never ever ever ever like want to make you their wife? This hasn't happen to me in years but it seems to be the case a lot. The one guy who you would never date in a million years is the nicest guy in the world and would run your bath water while making you the best dinner of your life. In movies this guy you end up with in the end. But real life is NOT the movies. Not at all. Theres no cut and re-shoots. No second team to block all the steps out for you so you can just step in and make it look good. Life is one continuous shot. (steadicam) This guy may want you to play the leading lady in his epic...but he just maybe a bit player in your drama. (enough movie puns).

How do you let the guy down? Do you let him down if he's a friend or test fate to see if he could be the one? This is one of lifes most complicated situations. When friends fall in love with you what do you do?

I always find it weird when friends fall in love with me. I think its my self esteem issues sneaking up on me. I have only had it happen twice in my life so I am no expert on it. The 2 guys who did fall in love with me were like my best friends. The thing that freaked me out about them loving me was that they knew me. Knew the real me and they loved me. I couldn't accept that. I think I have just to the point in life where I can accept that someone could love me. I think because I just began to actually love me. (wow got deep there)

So to move on from that deep self reflecting moment. I am waiting for love but not at all looking for it. Meaning I am not searching for it. I have a great group of friends. A fun job where I look at beautiful people all day. Once in a while a straight man hits on me or shows me attention. And I know that one day I will have love.

Also I wouldn't mind falling in love in Mystic Falls if cupid is out there reading this.

The Entire World is GAY!!!

Hello to all 5 of my readers and my facebook creepers! Been working a lot lately so I haven't written in a min here.
So here we go...
First CONGRATS to all my gaybes (gay babies) and lesbots (don't ask) for Prop 8 being over turned. Now you can get married in Cali! Invite me to the weddings!

Next: I saw The Kids Are Alright this week. The story of 2 children raised by their lesbian parents. The children seek out the sperm donor and they all build a very unrealistic relationship with him. I say unrealistic because I am the child of a lesbian and the whole betrayal would not happen. Hollywood..ugh

And last: The entire world is gay! Well, maybe not the entire world but my world certainly is. I do work in the entertainment industry so it is understandable that 78% of the men I work with are gay. But as of lately 97% of the men love men. I am by no means complaining...per say. I heart all my gaybes.  I just want to meet a damn straight man.

Many of my female friends actually date men who look and or act gay. One friend actually prefers bi sexual men. I could never ever ever ever date a man who likes men. I think it's the whole down low brother thing in the black community and the fact the the highest number in new HIV/AIDS cases are among african american women...mainly because their men are off having unprotected sex with other men. I like my men to be men and my gays to be gay. No mixing. (Plus I think bisexuality is just being greedy, unless your Anna Paquin or Scarlett Johansson then its hott)

So here's the thing...I spend my days and sometimes nights on set with my gaybes...then when we wrap I spend more time with them or other gays and I have a blast. I can be my silly self with them. And as much as I say I want to hang around straight men....I never do. I am a huge contradiction. I am kinda over straight men. They are such cocky douchebags. But then again I miss them. I miss actually flirting with someone who wants to do me...flirting with gays is fun but at the end of the night I am home alone with no one to make out with.
So maybe I am becoming like my other female friends, maybe I need to find me a metro sexual man who is just as fun as my gaybes but wants to bang me.

That would never work for me though. I am such a ball buster I would end up making the guy cry. (plus I am not a big fan of men in scarves and we all know metros love the scarf) I make my sensitive female friends say I'm mean. (which I am not I just try to make people stronger the world is a tough place) The man I need doesn't exist. I need a fun, gay spirited, mans man, who loves art, history, theater, and sports and can cook. Who doesn't care what I do for a living...meaning he is not at all star struck by the people I work with or that I hang out with. But he does support everything I do and pushes me to do more. And above all has a deep profound love for God and all his wonders but is not judgemental. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

Is it?

I'll just have fun and enjoy life until God sees fit to bring me the man of my dreams (Nick Jonas or Trevino) until then my entire world is GAY!!